Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
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At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
ok hear me out: Luigiana
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’