You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
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My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.