Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
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I cannot stop laughing at this
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Monday
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
58.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale