Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
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My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.