My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
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5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Running from your problems is cardio .
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.