DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
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Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
*checks Timeline*…
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
🤣😂🤣
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*