This woman is my idol. Free her.
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Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
The best shot in the history of golf
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?