At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
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Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Plant care tips
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Breaking news:
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.