where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
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How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.