M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
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May never get over this
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
step 6: release the wall snake
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
✌🏽