Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
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We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”