‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
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One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
A bold strategy
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners