My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
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[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
When can I start eating bats again.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?