If you know, you know 😂🚔
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Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.