I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
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I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*