We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
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[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
asked my bf how work was today
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*