Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
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Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.