Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
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Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.