Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
You Might Also Like
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.