Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
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3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Bootstraps
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
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just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”