Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
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CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
my dog when i have a friend over
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.