Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
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[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.