Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
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jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
honestly, i need both:
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing