*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
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My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?