If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
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“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
my astrological sign is a french fry
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.