All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
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If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
socratic questions
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Wake me when AI does housework
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair