If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
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[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}