if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
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Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
This classic never gets old . . .
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.