“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
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Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.