My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
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“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Today’s Times
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
my one true gender
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
A Match(.com), but for socks.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.