is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
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Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.