I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
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Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Worst perfume name ever.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.