Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
You Might Also Like
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote