Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
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You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
How can I say no to this ?
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Finally, a door that understands me
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
RT if you know someone like this!!!