[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
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one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.