If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
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I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Bread puns are on the rise!
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Breaking news:
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars