For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
You Might Also Like
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.