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When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.