Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
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British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
That de-escalated quickly
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!