THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
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I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
How about I get 100% off by already being there
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.