Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
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Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.