[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
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[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
How all things should be taught/explained.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Tastes like chicken.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
he’s sick of your bullshit today