Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
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Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”