I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
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On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles