“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
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Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
nice challenge
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”