Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
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My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!