My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
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People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Its a hippotatomus
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd