Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
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I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
So inspired right now.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.