if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
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I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
when there are deer in the woods
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.