Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
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He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Inside you there are two wolves
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Canadian owl: Eh?
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here